The clock strikes midnight and I’m at home.
I sit on the couch, my mind racing with ideas about how I can spend the night and what I should do for my baby.
My thoughts run through the questions that I always ask myself.
I think about how long I can stay home with my baby, what I can do to get him to sleep, how to make him feel safe, how long it will take to get out of bed, what can I do to calm him down if he’s having a tantrum.
These are the thoughts that keep me up at night.
But when I think I have time to spend with my newborn, my brain starts to drift.
The mind starts to think about all the things I can accomplish, such as watching movies or playing with the baby.
And I start to wonder if my time is now.
What is the difference between when you can be home and when you should be home at night?
If you have time for a nap, then you’re at home when you’re not doing anything.
If you have more time to make something that you love, then it’s a good time to be home.
When you are at home, you’re home to yourself.
You’re not watching TV, or reading a book.
If I have a baby, it’s only when I’m not at home that I’m awake, thinking about what I’m doing, and what can be done.
What can I say to him that will make him calm down, or comfort him?
When I am at home with the newborn, I have an open mind.
I have the option to ask my husband or a family member for advice.
My husband has helped me create a plan for him to do the right things, and has encouraged me to be more present with him, even if it means taking longer to get up.
When I’m home with a newborn, you are in a completely different environment.
I can’t read books, watch TV, go to the bathroom, do anything.
I don’t have time.
And when I do, I’m very frustrated.
I often say, “I can’t go anywhere.”
I can see my husband in the bedroom, and I feel helpless, as if I’m in a car wreck, waiting for my husband to come home.
I’m not just a mom anymore.
I’m a wife.
My baby is my wife.
I love him very much.
He is the one who makes me happy, and who has helped to keep me from being a zombie.